The Battling Telemarketers of Canadian Los Angeles (TheWeeklyReview Issue 2)

Welcome ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, animals and plants, dogs and cats, and everything else in between to the second edition of TheWeeklyReview, a weekly review panel I decided to release on a (hold your horses people) weekly basis. It was a CRAZY idea, I’m sure, but frankly, seeing as how I’m writing this, and you’re READING this, clearly it’s working out rather well. For the time being anyway, I digress, so LET’S! GET! STARTED!

The first thing I really want to talk about is Battle Los Angeles; not the presumed military attack that Los Angeles prepared for during World War 2 (or that crappy movie made by our friends at the B Movie Village, also known as The Asylum) but the 2011 military science fiction action flick. Remember it? The one that nobody liked? Yeah, that one. Now I’m not going to go on a rant about everything the movie did wrong (oh no no, I’m going to write that up later today, so look forward to that) instead, I want to point out that Battle Los Angeles is essentially a newer and prettier version of Red Dawn, that 1984 movie with Patrick Swayze where World War 3 starts because Russia invades American soil for whatever reason (pick up trucks, blue jeans, and cold beer no doubt. EVERYONE knows that people want pick up trucks, blue jeans and cold beer), though the word “Prettier” is being used in the loosest possible sense. The reasoning I have is this (feel free to point out that my argument is all encompassing and can be applied to a LOT of movies; that should say something about the state of pop culture and the state of our beliefs regarding the future): an unexpected attack occurs on American soil forcing a group of males (that’s the weird part with Red Dawn, I don’t remember very many women taking up arms against the Soviet paratroopers) to fight against said invaders in the streets and on the land that they grew up in; the land they grew up protecting (or something like that).

The interesting part about both movies is that the idea that ANYONE would invade one of the most powerful countries in the world is literally toyed with so much, that the ONLY people with the proverbial might to invade are (in Red Dawn) Soviet forces and (in Battle Los Angeles, quite literally here) Aliens. Notice that in both cases, the invaders are relatively unknown (because let’s not forget that the USSR had a curtain; a strangely metallic curtain, was it a lead curtain I wonder?) because if we KNEW about the aliens, I’m sure we’d understand that they aren’t (in fact) invading our planet because they’re bored, but because they have no other choice and they need our resources (because according to the trailer AND the movie, the aliens want to colonize Earth). So I suppose the purpose of that last part was to complain that even ALIENS who are CLEARLY technologically superior to us have problems in their lives (or whatever they’ve come to call “Lives” through their infinitely superior wisdom) and to complain about the fact that even though they can construct massive death machines that harvest planets, they STILL can’t invent a resource that can be continuously used to power said death machines. Now isn’t THAT a statement on society (past OR modern)?

Moving away from the oddly political undertones, I’ve also come to a realization about telemarketers (apparently also known as inside sellers and telesellers, though I’m going to stick to telemarketers) that only truly dawned on me while I was cooking breakfast. Telemarketers are, in fact, real world pop ups, and I’m not sure how I want to handle this news. First of all I’d like to point out that the internet came AFTER the telephone (in THIS universe anyway), so saying that telemarketers are pop ups is actually chronologically inaccurate, but I’m not changing it. Though that’s the interesting problem, I called a real world “Invention” an internet “Invention” and instead of checking my sanity, I accepted it. I’ve come to realize that my life is so incredibly ingrained within the internet and pop culture, that the “Real world” and all of its occurrences have essentially become based on the internet world. Meaning that when I see a cat, I think of cat videos first and THEN I think about the fact that it’s a real cat. Though I’ll end this first point with a rather poignant thought: I only make these internet to real world comparisons with occurrences that are REALLY annoying, so take everything I just said with a grain of salt.

Second of all, I need to make sure that anyone reading this completely understands what I’ve just said. I have essentially compared telemarketing to POP UPS, stuff that shows up at the most inopportune moments right when I’m doing something important, whether that includes surfing YouTube, or going to Wikipedia to get more information on the design of mon cal cruisers. For those of you who have somehow avoided pop ups for your entire lives, I want to say this now: I have yet to meet an enemy more deadly OR more annoying than the internet pop up so by comparing telemarketers to pop ups, I’ve pretty much called them real life spam (except that Spam is moderately tasty, and I can enjoy spam for longer than 4.2 seconds). In conclusion: telemarketers call at the worst possible times and pop ups show up at the worst possible times. I don’t KNOW the telemarketers personally (though they still try to sell me garbage) and I don’t KNOW the programmers of the pop ups personally (though they still try to sell me garbage). Finally, even though I’ve put myself on the no call list for the telemarketing companies, they STILL call me and even though I have a pop up blocker enabled on ALL of my browsers and my anti virus software’s pop up blocker is activated, they STILL show up to bother me. So, in summation, telemarketers are real world pop ups.

Moving on from alien invasions and human pop ups, we have Canada Day (also known as Dominion Day, but nobody says that anymore, honest)! That’s right, yesterday was Canada Day and to celebrate, I went to a local festival with ABBA, Ray Charles, The Village People, Elvis, and Katy Perry (apparently) covers where the fireworks committee decided to waste the city’s entire budget in a 30-35 minute show of explosive might that makes Independence Day (the movie) look like Independence Day (the actual day, complete with the signing of the Declaration of Independence). I’m honestly not joking when I say that by the end of the middle of the act, the launch site looked like NASA had been there and after the third time the pyrotechnicians did their “Big finish” most of the audience couldn’t clap thanks to burning out (pun ENTIRELY intended). Suffice it to say, it felt like the city decided that they would forget about their parks and rec, roads or anything of the sort and just launch all of their money into the sky by means of pretty gun powder fueled explosions. This plan, by the way, is and was FANTASTIC, and I can safely say that Canada Day this year was extremely fun and was just OUTSTANDING overall.

Finally, seeing as how this IS a weekly review, I feel it would only be logical to remind all the readers about the articles that went up this week. We start with this one here (the Distillery District one), then this one here (the AGO one), and this last one here (the Loudmouth one). Happy reading people!

As always, this has been your Admin with TheWeeklyReview; comment and criticize, and DO remember! Always look on the BYTE side of life!


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